Sunday, 12 November 2017

More from Morticia's Advice Academy (Seriously STOP with the tomatoes...I have enough)



Many thanks to those demented people who asked for more of Morticia.  (reprinted with permission from the deluded places that pay me)

Brought to you by:  MORTICIA & CO., Distributors of Aftermarket Body Parts.

Dear Morticia;
My husband was married once before.  When he passes on, would it be appropriate to bury him beside his first wife?
Signed Planning Ahead

Dear Head;
Only if she's dead first.

Dear Morticia;
I keep asking my boss for a raise, but he keeps saying no.  As a last resort, I'm thinking of offering him my body.  Think it will work?
Signed Blondie in Bowmanville

Dear Blondie;
Gee, I don't know.  Chances are he has a perfectly good body of his own.

Dear Morticia;
What is the quickest way to a woman's heart?
No Don Juan

Dear No Don;
Zippered sweaters, although wrap-around blouses run a close seco
nd.

Dear Morticia;
My boyfriend and I won a hundred thousand dollars in a lottery.  I want to buy a house and he wants to buy a 427 AC Cobra sports car.  What should we do?
Signed Homeless

Dear Less;
Recent reports suggest that it is very difficult if not impossible to prepare a proper meal on a 427 engine block.  On the other hand, most houses built today can't travel at more than 2 miles per hours.  Tell you what.  Forward the winnings to my address and I'll do a test run for ya.
(Okay, a secret. This last one is my personal favourite.  Yes even demented comedy writers have favourites. See you next week, if you can stand it.)