By Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl)
It has recently been reported that the local symphony orchestra is in deep financial doo doo. The numbers coming in don’t match the numbers going out anymore, and the chorus has become operatic.
For some reason, management is paralysed. They don’t seem to know where to start.
Lucky for them, I am here to help. Time to economize, and I’ve got a plan. In the true spirit of generosity, I have agreed to devote a total of ten minutes to this problem.
It’s really a question of numbers. We simply need to attack the figures like an accountant, and make the necessary cut-backs. To that end, I’ve tabled a list of ten cost-saving solutions.
The ‘Why didn’t I think of that’ suggestions:
1. Is it necessary to have three or four movements of a symphony? Everyone knows the slow parts are a drag. Cut them out.
2. A Chamber Orchestra is simply wasteful. Make them a quartet, and they can play in smaller quarters.
3. Do we really need four trombones all playing the same note? Knock it back to one, and use an amp.
4. I’m sure violas must have a purpose, but we’re downsizing, Sister. Get a violin.
5. On that note <sic>, nobody, but nobody, wants to hear 16 strident violins.
The ‘Not only were we thinking out of the box, we actually stomped on the box’ suggestions:
6. The 1812 Overture becomes the 1610.
7. Tosca can throw herself off a picnic table instead of a rooftop.
8. Every suite should be reduced to a bachelor pad.
9. Replace the oboe player with a duck.
10 Finally: does anyone, anywhere, ever need THREE TENORS?
Ten solutions, people, in ten minutes. Now really…was that so difficult?
Melodie Campbell is a comedy writer from back in the Paleolithic era. You can buy her “hilarious” Goddaughter mob caper series at Chapters, and all the usual places.