by Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl)
Recently the Canadian Post Office did a stunner, and almost
doubled the cost of sending a postcard across the country. Enraged citizens are now claiming that it
will soon be cheaper to FLY to Saskabush, than to send a birthday card
there. (It’s frightening. Imagine actually having to GO to Saskabush…)
The bottom line is, our mail will soon be too expensive to
mail. Frankly, I’m not too concerned, as
I hate receiving any. Primarily, because
my mail consists of bills and that which is generally classified as ‘junk’. To illustrate, here’s the latest sampling
from my mail box (er ‘Super’ box.)
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Every day in countries far away from here, numerous Nigerian Princes
need your help. Unless you are the sort
of mindless jerk who drinks imported beer and watches championship polo on
television, we know you will want to do something about this. For a mere FIFTY DOLLARS a minute…
Dear Fellow Voter: Here
I am, your representative in Ottawa, giving a VERY IMPORTANT FOREIGN DIGNITARY a
merry smile. Notice how he is smiling
back. This is because, as YOUR
representative, I have just presented him with a cheque for a billion dollars
of YOUR money, for agricultural research and development of the guava
bean. I am indeed proud to be
representing YOU on this 45 day world tour, stopping in such major centres as
Paris, London, Rome, Sydney, Tokyo, New York, and everywhere else they agree to
ply me with premium scotch…
Dear MELODIE CAMPBELL:
Congratulations, MELODIE CAMPBELL!
You have been especially chosen by our computers as the winner of AN ALL
EXPENSES PAID TRIP TO HAWAII! Yes,
MELODIE CAMPBELL, you have already qualified to win the above prize, or TEN
TRILLION DOLLARS, or your own PERSONAL JET…what the heck, why don’t we just
throw in all THREE? And all you have to
do, MELODIE CAMPBELL is simply call this number and sign up for seventy-two
membership years in the all-new Fun and Fitness club…
As a concerned citizen, I am aware that outright banning of
junk mail has serious implications for the paper industry. Worse, it could put several million
Environmental Activists out of work. So
I suggest the following:
Continue to stuff those envelopes and stick on the subsidy-for-MP’s-pension
stamps. But instead of sending our mail,
let’s burn it. Think of the fuel costs
we could save, burning all those bills instead of paying them. The environmentalists would be kept occupied
fighting the increase in air pollution, and we could hire all those newly unemployed
mailpersons to tend the bonfires. And
while we’re at it we could throw on a few of those expensive windbag politicians…
No comments:
Post a Comment